We grieve with HOPE
Okay I have quite a bit to talk about in this post so hopefully it won't be to long winded . This post is going to be describing what Jay and I went through with our two losses last year.
Lets start with this time last year, Jay and I finally felt ready to start trying for a family, it was to our surprise that we wouldn't have to wait long and found out we were pregnant A day after getting back from Disney World on Mothers Day. We were over the moon excited, and slightly terrified at the same time. Most of our friends took months to get pregnant we never thought it would happen this fast. I of course had no idea what to do so I called my best friend asking her what the heck was the next step. Of course she told me to call my doctor and I set up my first appointment for when I was 6 weeks. The week that I was supposed to go to my first doctors appointment I started bleeding. Now I didn't know a ton about being pregnant but I knew that wasn't a good sign. I was at work so I finished my client and called Jay asking what he thought I should do. After consulting with our families we decided to go to the ER because all other doctors offices were already closed. Ladies if you ever go through this ( and I pray none of you ever will) do NOT go to the ER they were not helpful at all and treated me like I was insane for coming to the ER for a possible miscarriage. Now that I have been through it I understand why, theres nothing really they can do. They tested my HCG levels and they were really low for how far along I was supposed to be. Now finding out from my current RE (reproductive endocrinologist) they were supposed to also do an ultrasound but they did not. I left the ER with no definite answers but knew in my gut that something was wrong. The next day my OB office wanted to see me, I went in they tested my HCG levels and they had dropped. Side note when your pregnant your HCG should at least double every 48 hours. Because mine were dropping my OB told me I was indeed having a miscarriage to go home and if I needed anything to call. Since this was our first miscarriage Jay and I were devastated but had hope because miscarriage is very common. About 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, thats a HUGE amount. Because I knew statistics like this I just thought okay well next time will work because we already had our miscarriage, as twisted as that sounds.
Fast forward to a few months later, our doctor told us it was okay to start trying again. So like before we got pregnant right away. This time I was even more nervous but so extremely excited. Because of the miscarriage a few months before my doctor monitored me a little more this time. At just 5 weeks I went in for a blood test and it showed my HCG levels more then doubled in 48 hours. After finding this out I relaxed a little bit more because at least I knew baby was okay. I had my first ultrasound at just 6 weeks and we heard a heartbeat. The doctor was shocked because usually at 6 weeks you can see a little tiny fetal pole but mic usually doesn't pick up heartbeat this early. She thought this was a great sign of a strong healthy baby. She asked me to come back a week later just to get a growth estimate to give me an estimated due date. When we came in for that ultrasound again we heard the heartbeat but actually saw what started to look like a baby. During this pregnancy I was so unbelievably sick. I kept calling my doctor asking if that was normal and she said as long as I don't go days wihout keeping anything down that I should be okay. She actually said thats a good sign that the baby was growing and healthy. Nine weeks rolls around and all of a sudden I'm not sick anymore. I immediately thought something was wrong but waited because I had another appointent at 10 weeks. My ten week appointment was just supposed to be where my doctor talked to me about where I would be delivering, the things I could an couldn't eat, and all that stuff. I went in and as usual they took a urine sample. I knew something was wrong when they randomly wanted to do an ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and I just knew before they even started that I had lost the baby. The ultrasound tech was doing the ultrasound and I could tell by the look in their eyes we had lost the baby. Unfortunately my fears and intuition were correct and the baby no longer had a heartbeat and stopped growing at 9 weeks and 1 day. Jay and I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. On top of that terrible news we had to schedule surgery for me that next morning .
This part of the blog might be a little graphic so if you don't want to read just skip to the next paragraph. I had to have a DNC because it would have been dangerous to deliver the fetus on my own that far along. The DNC itself wasn't terrible but the experience was a nightmare. I am not telling you who I went to for this procedure but I will NEVER return to that doctor ever again, and have actually switched practices and hospitals completely to avoid them. This was my first surgery EVER so I was terrified. The nurse assured me that the doctor would come in before the procedure and after to tell me any information and answer questions. Well guess what, I never saw the doctor at all that day. This was strike number one, because I did have questions and so did Jay. With that being said the nurses were AMAZING and did help answer those for us. They sent me home with some meds and told me I would be okay in two days max. I get home and sleep, but I wake up to the most terrible pain I have ever felt in my life. Im grabbing Jays arm to help deal with the pain and beg him to help me. He gets the post op sheet of paper they gave me and there is no emergency contact number listed. The place I had the procedure done at was a surgery center, so he called them. The surgery center was closed, so he called the closest ER. The sweet lady on the phone said theres not much they could tell him unless he brought me in, but they did ask for him to read to them the medicines they sent me home with. Come to find out one of the medications was to contract my uterus back. One of the side effects is advanced labor contractions, and thats exactly what was happening to me. I was so angry about this as no one even went over anything about the medications with us other then when to take them. A few days passed and I was still unable to move let alone go to work. Luckily my clients were amazing and totally understood why I had to keep canceling on them. Just when I thought this nightmare was over and we could finally start to grieve the lost of our child the worst happened. When you have a miscarriage one benefit of a DNC is they can do genetic testing on the fetus. We couldn't wait to get this information back because we would find out the sex of the baby, and if there were any genetic factors causing these miscaraiges. We call the day were supposed to get the results back and they do not have them. The reason they do not have them is because THEY FORGOT TO PREFORM THE GENETIC TESTING. We were beyond devastated I wanted to know the sex of the baby because I wanted to name it. I wanted a way to honor this child we lost and not just call it "it". We also wanted to find out what went wrong, but instead we knew nothing more then we did before the DNC. Last thing that was the final straw and the reason I switched practices was I developed an infection because of the DNC. All of these things combined is what made this loss the hardest. We thought we had made it since we heard a heartbeat since we had seen a fetus.We had already told friends and family, We had already taken announcement pictures. We had already bought baby clothes. My dad had already made a cool thing for the babies room. It was already real to us, so to be taken away in an instant that was so hard.
Now that I have explained what exactly happened I can explain the title of this blog. WE GRIEVE WITH HOPE!
The number one thing Jay and I get asked all the time is how do we have so much hope and handle these back to back losses so well.
For me one thing that really got me though the terrible dark days after the last miscarriage was Jay. He was there for me every step of the way and let me be depressed and cry all day if thats what I needed that day to get by. He took the best care of me after the DNC and was my rock as always. Another thing that got me through was sharing what we were going through with our friends and family. I heard that some of you were going through, or had gone trough similar things and that was such a great help.
The main thing that got me through was my faith in God. I kept saying this was all part of his plan and he wouldn't take us to this low and terrible time if he didn't have something amazing and even better in store for us. I think at first Jay didn't understand this, and how could I be thanking God after he just did this to us, but then after he started praying and started trusting in him he understood.
Jay and I truly believe that there is a plan for us and that we will have a baby one day. We might find out adoption is our way to have a child and maybe that was Gods plan the whole time and at this point were open to whatever plan he has for us. That is why the blog is called Chasing Rainbows. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss of a child or miscarriage.
Lets start with this time last year, Jay and I finally felt ready to start trying for a family, it was to our surprise that we wouldn't have to wait long and found out we were pregnant A day after getting back from Disney World on Mothers Day. We were over the moon excited, and slightly terrified at the same time. Most of our friends took months to get pregnant we never thought it would happen this fast. I of course had no idea what to do so I called my best friend asking her what the heck was the next step. Of course she told me to call my doctor and I set up my first appointment for when I was 6 weeks. The week that I was supposed to go to my first doctors appointment I started bleeding. Now I didn't know a ton about being pregnant but I knew that wasn't a good sign. I was at work so I finished my client and called Jay asking what he thought I should do. After consulting with our families we decided to go to the ER because all other doctors offices were already closed. Ladies if you ever go through this ( and I pray none of you ever will) do NOT go to the ER they were not helpful at all and treated me like I was insane for coming to the ER for a possible miscarriage. Now that I have been through it I understand why, theres nothing really they can do. They tested my HCG levels and they were really low for how far along I was supposed to be. Now finding out from my current RE (reproductive endocrinologist) they were supposed to also do an ultrasound but they did not. I left the ER with no definite answers but knew in my gut that something was wrong. The next day my OB office wanted to see me, I went in they tested my HCG levels and they had dropped. Side note when your pregnant your HCG should at least double every 48 hours. Because mine were dropping my OB told me I was indeed having a miscarriage to go home and if I needed anything to call. Since this was our first miscarriage Jay and I were devastated but had hope because miscarriage is very common. About 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, thats a HUGE amount. Because I knew statistics like this I just thought okay well next time will work because we already had our miscarriage, as twisted as that sounds.
Fast forward to a few months later, our doctor told us it was okay to start trying again. So like before we got pregnant right away. This time I was even more nervous but so extremely excited. Because of the miscarriage a few months before my doctor monitored me a little more this time. At just 5 weeks I went in for a blood test and it showed my HCG levels more then doubled in 48 hours. After finding this out I relaxed a little bit more because at least I knew baby was okay. I had my first ultrasound at just 6 weeks and we heard a heartbeat. The doctor was shocked because usually at 6 weeks you can see a little tiny fetal pole but mic usually doesn't pick up heartbeat this early. She thought this was a great sign of a strong healthy baby. She asked me to come back a week later just to get a growth estimate to give me an estimated due date. When we came in for that ultrasound again we heard the heartbeat but actually saw what started to look like a baby. During this pregnancy I was so unbelievably sick. I kept calling my doctor asking if that was normal and she said as long as I don't go days wihout keeping anything down that I should be okay. She actually said thats a good sign that the baby was growing and healthy. Nine weeks rolls around and all of a sudden I'm not sick anymore. I immediately thought something was wrong but waited because I had another appointent at 10 weeks. My ten week appointment was just supposed to be where my doctor talked to me about where I would be delivering, the things I could an couldn't eat, and all that stuff. I went in and as usual they took a urine sample. I knew something was wrong when they randomly wanted to do an ultrasound. We go into the ultrasound room and I just knew before they even started that I had lost the baby. The ultrasound tech was doing the ultrasound and I could tell by the look in their eyes we had lost the baby. Unfortunately my fears and intuition were correct and the baby no longer had a heartbeat and stopped growing at 9 weeks and 1 day. Jay and I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably. On top of that terrible news we had to schedule surgery for me that next morning .
This part of the blog might be a little graphic so if you don't want to read just skip to the next paragraph. I had to have a DNC because it would have been dangerous to deliver the fetus on my own that far along. The DNC itself wasn't terrible but the experience was a nightmare. I am not telling you who I went to for this procedure but I will NEVER return to that doctor ever again, and have actually switched practices and hospitals completely to avoid them. This was my first surgery EVER so I was terrified. The nurse assured me that the doctor would come in before the procedure and after to tell me any information and answer questions. Well guess what, I never saw the doctor at all that day. This was strike number one, because I did have questions and so did Jay. With that being said the nurses were AMAZING and did help answer those for us. They sent me home with some meds and told me I would be okay in two days max. I get home and sleep, but I wake up to the most terrible pain I have ever felt in my life. Im grabbing Jays arm to help deal with the pain and beg him to help me. He gets the post op sheet of paper they gave me and there is no emergency contact number listed. The place I had the procedure done at was a surgery center, so he called them. The surgery center was closed, so he called the closest ER. The sweet lady on the phone said theres not much they could tell him unless he brought me in, but they did ask for him to read to them the medicines they sent me home with. Come to find out one of the medications was to contract my uterus back. One of the side effects is advanced labor contractions, and thats exactly what was happening to me. I was so angry about this as no one even went over anything about the medications with us other then when to take them. A few days passed and I was still unable to move let alone go to work. Luckily my clients were amazing and totally understood why I had to keep canceling on them. Just when I thought this nightmare was over and we could finally start to grieve the lost of our child the worst happened. When you have a miscarriage one benefit of a DNC is they can do genetic testing on the fetus. We couldn't wait to get this information back because we would find out the sex of the baby, and if there were any genetic factors causing these miscaraiges. We call the day were supposed to get the results back and they do not have them. The reason they do not have them is because THEY FORGOT TO PREFORM THE GENETIC TESTING. We were beyond devastated I wanted to know the sex of the baby because I wanted to name it. I wanted a way to honor this child we lost and not just call it "it". We also wanted to find out what went wrong, but instead we knew nothing more then we did before the DNC. Last thing that was the final straw and the reason I switched practices was I developed an infection because of the DNC. All of these things combined is what made this loss the hardest. We thought we had made it since we heard a heartbeat since we had seen a fetus.We had already told friends and family, We had already taken announcement pictures. We had already bought baby clothes. My dad had already made a cool thing for the babies room. It was already real to us, so to be taken away in an instant that was so hard.
Now that I have explained what exactly happened I can explain the title of this blog. WE GRIEVE WITH HOPE!
The number one thing Jay and I get asked all the time is how do we have so much hope and handle these back to back losses so well.
For me one thing that really got me though the terrible dark days after the last miscarriage was Jay. He was there for me every step of the way and let me be depressed and cry all day if thats what I needed that day to get by. He took the best care of me after the DNC and was my rock as always. Another thing that got me through was sharing what we were going through with our friends and family. I heard that some of you were going through, or had gone trough similar things and that was such a great help.
The main thing that got me through was my faith in God. I kept saying this was all part of his plan and he wouldn't take us to this low and terrible time if he didn't have something amazing and even better in store for us. I think at first Jay didn't understand this, and how could I be thanking God after he just did this to us, but then after he started praying and started trusting in him he understood.
Jay and I truly believe that there is a plan for us and that we will have a baby one day. We might find out adoption is our way to have a child and maybe that was Gods plan the whole time and at this point were open to whatever plan he has for us. That is why the blog is called Chasing Rainbows. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a loss of a child or miscarriage.
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